To Soar........

22nd July..........I h.a.t.e 'this' day......

More than any other day in the year

It's a day that brings back so many emotions and fears that I never envisaged I'd have to go through until I was at least in my late 40's............

Yet I wasn't, I was a child.........

Does it get any better? Do you learn to forget?

No. You never forget. Just as all memories fade, so does the pain.............but I see it as 'coping' rather than forgetting.......

Does it make any sense, after all these years? No it doesn't.

She was so young.

But then something happens, to make you remember......

It can be a familiar smell, or a taste, or a song.......... or a 'date'

Incense.....my Mum burnt a lot of incense, the smell of 'sandlewood' brings her back to me.....

Lily's....the overpowering, pungent smell of lily's..... Mum never really liked lily's, yet they had them at her funeral?

I never really understood that???

She loved roses and magnolia blossom........why did no one else know that?

Through this process of grief I've learnt a lot of things............ the biggest thing being the strength that can be formulated by one person to strive forward beyond the grief and achieve 'more'...........much much 'more'

All four of us girls { my sisters and I} have been successful in our own rights.......... we have pushed forward, even though the odds have been stacked against us............

We haven't had the parental support................but we have had family {Aunty Maggy and Nanna Scrivener} and of course our amazing friends, who have helped us get to where we are today.........

When Mum died, one of my tutors wrote in a card something that stuck with me for a long time, it was a quote about 'suffering'

'suffering forces us to change, we don't like change, and most of the time we fight it. We like to remain in emotionally familiar places, even though sometimes those places, aren't healthy for us. On occasion, the suffering is so great, that we give in. We surrender the old and begin the new. Often it is the pain we experience that leads us, not only to a different life, but a richer and more rewarding one' D Wholey

This 'grief' 'my' grief, has lead me to 'soar'..............just like an aeroplane...........higher and higher............... and it doesn't matter 'if' or 'when' I land, because I gave it everything, and that is something to be proud of as, giving yourself to something completely, with true dedication is truly 'rewarding'................